I hated everything about you
by romycullen
Summary: There's a fine line between love and hate. What happens when the person you love the most is also the one you hate? - AU/OOC


_*****All recognizable Twilight descriptions and characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.*****_

**This is incredibly hard to post. It's one of the first stories I wrote a few years ago, which was later translated for my amazing friend Lila. There used to be a few chapters written that would support this OS, mostly because of all the information that's been mentioned or is implied but not present. Sadly, I've lost the files. I don't know if I'll ever write anything relate to this story again.**

**I must warn you there's abuse and the characters are extremely different than your twilight version. If you're sensitive to violence of any kind, please beware of possible triggers. I must also add that I write what my characters tell me to, sometimes I just push the boundaries a bit too far, sometimes I like the uncomfortable feeling a reader might get in the pitch of their stomach, but at the end of the day, it's still a work of fiction that in no way portrays who I am or what I believe in.**

**This hasn't been betaed so I apologise for the piss poor attempt at editing that I've done when proof reading it.**

**Lila, this is for you, my very talented and courageous friend. I'll go hide now.**

* * *

I was lying on my bed, drinking straight from a bottle of vodka and completely pissed off. As usual, I'd argued with Bella during the afternoon. We were dating, kind of. Truth is I wasn't exactly sure of what we were. What we had was a destructive relationship, Bella would push me to my limits, I'd lose my temper to end up hurting her and then drinking myself into oblivion. It was shit, the alcohol, I wanted to quit drinking though I'd never become an alcoholic.

I was just disgusted with myself. I hated Bella with my whole being or had hated her. There were times where all I wanted was to shatter her skull, but then I'd think how painless and quick that death would be and I didn't want painless, I wanted her to suffer. I wanted to torture Bella like she tortured me.

The main reason behind my hatred for Bella was that I loved her. I knew it was utterly ridiculous, I was well aware of that. Two opposite feelings, one resulting from the other.

I'd never thought I'd be able to fall in love, not even dared to imagine it. Actually, I pretty much hated any sort of PDA, either from my brother Emmett to his girlfriend or from my best friend Jasper to my sister Alice. But as everything in my life, things had to get complicated.

A year ago it was the one and only time I felt honestly attracted to someone. It was a girl a year younger than me, short and thin, and with long brown hair and chocolate eyes. Her skin was so pale it looked as if a mote of dust could hurt her. She looked like an angel.

Big mistake.

That girl was Bella and she made my life hell since the very beginning.

The first time we'd seen each other she blushed and the redness of her cheeks made her look adorable. She still blushed as the first day when we had good days, but after that first encounter we'd started a dangerous and sick game.

Bella was the most innocent sixteen year old girl I'd ever met in my whole fucking life. She wasn't only a virgin but hadn't been kissed either. I was her first kiss, her first sexual partner too.

Bella's first time wasn't the way any girl would've dream of. We'd been dating for four months after being on and off for the first two were we'd been getting to know each other. She had unconsciously yelled at me, with tears in her eyes, how I'd never want a girl like her. And I meant unconsciously because we were both alone in her house, lying on her bed. The only reason I'd been refusing to sleep with her was my fear of hurting her when we did it.

I liked rough sex, a quick and hard fuck. I'd never made love but I'd fucked and I knew from high school gossip that I was said to have a more than decent size. I'd been asked to be more gentle, to go slower, even by the skankiest girls at school. I'd turn into an animal as soon as I was in, I just needed to fuck mercilessly. So that day, that's what I did. I turned into a fucking animal.

Her yelp of pain was ingrained into my head. I forgot she was a virgin, I just pushed into her and it wasn't until I'd finished that I saw she was crying. I felt sick with myself, I'd raped her, even if she didn't resist or told me to stop, even if we'd been dating. So I just got dressed and left after emptying my stomach. Which also happened to be another mistake.

I didn't know Alice was staying with Bella that night, so when she arrived at Bella's she found her crying. She was bruised and there was blood between her legs which made my sister think the obvious, that someone had raped her. She took Bella to the hospital where she had to say 24 hours just to be safe. Bella never said a word about what had happened. That was the first time I hurt her and when I confessed my sin to my sister all she could do was look at me, disappointment filling her eyes. She didn't know who I was

After that evening everything started going downfall. Bella seemed to have a sick need of being hurt or fucked wildly, sometimes even both. She knew which things would make me lose my temper and would do them until I'd finally explode. This meant I'd always end up being rough with her, pushing her against a wall only to fuck her senseless. Sometimes I'd just push her around, shove her out of the way but one time I underestimated my strength and knocked her out. I thought I was having a heart attack, I couldn't breath or stop crying and I knew that if she died I'd die too. It was then I realised I was in love with her.

And with the love, came the hate.

I didn't want to love Bella. Loving someone gives them the power to destroy you, I'd learnt that from Elizabeth, my biological mother. It was hard enough to be Carlisle's son out of marriage. Even if Esme had done all she could to treat me like her own, Elizabeth had taught me what love could do to people. I'd loved her and she hurt me. She had me stay only to kill herself in front of me, only to shoot herself in the head in front of her thirteen year old son.

I had to be honest with myself though, I barely resented Bella, there was almost no hatred left for her. Maybe it was the months I had to digest my loving her. Or maybe, it was the fact that sometimes we acted like a regular couple and I'd get a glimpse of the sweet and shy girl she truly was. But mostly, it was the fact that I'd realised that something was off with her which had the hate receding and the worry increasing.

When I'd realised I was in love with Bella, I'd become really violent with her and the worst of it was how much she enjoyed it. Bella seemed to find pleasure each time I'd hurt her, either physically or emotionally. She needed more and each fight left me panicked, fearing one day I'd end with her life. I felt out of a control, a monster unable to stop. My love was destroying her.

As I started accepting my love for Bella and the fact that it was the both of us that were fucked in the head, I started working on my self control. I started thinking that, maybe, loving Bella didn't have to be a bad thing. Both my sister and my therapist made me realise that Bella wasn't Elizabeth, which in turn made my self control grow. We were having normal couple fights, or so I thought.

We'd been pushing and pulling for a month. I would try to control myself as Bella increased her efforts in having me break. It'd taken me to this previous afternoon to realise I'd never actually stop with my aggression towards Bella, thought it was more of a psychological violence, it still wasn't okay.

So, here I was. High, drunk and mad. Alice was furious since she'd been telling me for months how much of a blind fool I was, how it was insane that I couldn't see that I had a catastrophe waiting to happen in front of my eyes. Honestly, I had no idea what she was talking about just knew it most likely had to do with Bella. Hell, even my therapist had asked for me to have Bella seek professional help.

It had been two weeks after my love epiphany when the violence in our relationship reached its peak. I'd never truly hit a woman before, not push or shove, but hit. Bella had been talking non-stop about Elizabeth, saying things she knew would hurt me, until I exploded and punched her. I punched a girl a foot shorter and a few stones lighter than me. Bella had hit her head against the stairs so my sister had to drive her to Port Angeles hospital or I'd end up in jail. She had a concussion and I had my wake up call. A week later I was attending my first appointment with my therapist.

This afternoon's fight though had been the weirdest one we'd ever had. We'd been more than okay for the past week which should've told me was the calm before the storm. Except for the times we would fight or fuck I'd come to realise just how quiet, shy and self deprecating Bella was. She had no self-esteem and would often treat me as if I were her lottery price. She'd even admitted once she felt like a Greek god had laid eyes on her, a simple mortal. It was ridiculous. When I looked at Bella all I saw was an intelligent and beautiful girl with a heart of gold, not the flaws she seemed to see.

Some time ago it had been the first time Bella had worn a skirt after some convincing from my sister, and Lauren had told her she looked like a beached whale in it. We all knew it was just Lauren being the envious bitch she was, not only because Lauren had tried to sleep with me more than once, but also because Bella had amazing legs. Or used to have.

After that day Bella had started losing weight in an alarming rate. She'd always been a tad thinner than most girls but now it was just painful to look at her frail frame. She looked as if she was about to break.

This had led me to mistreating her again. I felt like she was doing the same thing Elizabeth had done to me, make me love her only to have me see her destroying herself in front of my eyes. I wasn't used to this type of overwhelming worry and to the new feeling that emerged from it. Absolute over-protection. The thing was, I wasn't your regular person so me admitting she was my weakness was impossible. I used insults as a way of protecting what I'd left of me that didn't belong to Bella. Or so said my therapist.

This afternoon hadn't been different. Bella looked sick, she was too pale and the shadows around her eyes were darker than usual. I asked myself where was her excuse of a father since he didn't seem to care or be there for Bella at all. Even Carlisle was worried about her and had suggested hospitalisation. It was today I noticed that even walking seem to be a great effort for Bella, even her breathing seemed unnatural. So I talked to our headmaster and he gave us permission to leave school early. Everyone at school was worried about Bella and she'd been sent to see the school counsellor but she wouldn't talk to anyone. However, I had the suspicion that my sister knew more than she was letting on.

We'd arrived to where my car was parked when I told Bella to move her bony arse and get in the Volvo. As soon as I finished saying it Bella started trying to get me to hurt her physically. Ir hurt to see her begging me to hurt her, and it also shocked me. It'd been a long time since I had hurt her last and to see her on her knees, asking for a shove, a push, a punch, was just too much for me. I didn't want to be that person anymore. I gave Bella some cash and fled the parking lot.

As soon as I got home after a lengthy talk with my therapist I was met by a pissed Alice. She just gave me a hug and a shove when I tried to ask her what her issue was. And that was how I'd ended up with a bottle of vodka and a lit joint. I hadn't smoked in forever and I hated both the drinking and smoking, but I just needed it.

"Edward, may I come in?" Came Alice's voice from behind the door and I was soon met with her red rimmed eyes.

"Fuck, what's wrong? are you okay? did Jasper hurt you?" I felt sick already, Alice wasn't one to cry over petty things and I was afraid Jasper had done something to her. After being on the other side, any sort of abuse made me sick, with the abuse itself and with myself.

"No, it's not me… it's Bella" Her voice wavered and soon the tears were sobs.

"What happened?" I asked her frantically, going to her.

Jessica, my therapist, had told me Bella needed help and soon, fuck. I didn't know hot to show her love, I hadn't really showed her love. Shit.

I tried to focus on Alice's words through my panic filled mind.

"She's in the ICU, I should've done something. Oh god. I should've told you why she needed you to hurt her and I didn't!" ranted Alice, grabbing her short black her in her hands.

In a heartbeat Alice and I were driving to the hospital. Esme had travelled to see her parents, Emmett was still at college and dad was at the hospital. So it'd been just Alice and me at home. It was only after we left that I realised every light had been shut off at home, Alice had wanted to leave soon which mean things were far from okay.

"You have to tell me what the fuck is going on, shortie, because I don't understand shit. I thought things were fine between Bella and I," Alice blew her nose and looked my way, "in spite of me telling her stuff because of her losing weight, I thought we were okay and then today… she asked me to hit her."

I inhaled deeply, trying to calm myself as I'd been taught.

"You know just how awful I've felt about the things I've done Alice, how much I hated myself for it, and still do. But I'm trying to change, to fix it. So enlighten me, why did I come home to find you so mad at me?", I pinched the bridge of my nose," I just wanted to punch something, preferable Bella for making my life turn into this mess. And now look at me. I'm fucking drunk and slightly high and have my heart beating in my throat because I know I've been right. She's going to leave me just like Elizabeth did!"

I couldn't help but raise my voice at the end, punching the steering wheel as I finished my rant. Alice was out of her head letting me drive in this state.

"There's something you have to understand Edward, just as it is with you, the way Bella is now is related to her mum. The difference is her mother died so Bella could be born."

I kept on driving, listening to what Alice had to say. Though I knew Bella's mother was dead I didn't know the story behind it.

"Renee, Bella's mum, she had some serious heart issue and was told her heart wouldn't manage to let her finish her pregnancy, much less the delivery. But Renee insisted on having her baby, even though Charlie wanted her to get an abortion." I swallowed hard, seeing my sister hadn't stop crying. "He tried, Charlie, but Renee didn't want to hear about it and when she found out it was a girl she just fell in love with her child. Her heart starting giving up in the seventh month and they had to perform a c-section. Renee died after seeing and naming her daughter."

"Did you know Bella has asthma?" I shook my head, speechless" yeah, she was a long time in the NICU, they didn't know if she was going to survive.

I couldn't help but stare at Alice with my mouth hanging open. How much more didn't I know about Bella?

"Look at the road, for Christ's sake! I shouldn't have let you drive, dad's going to kill me when he sees you."

Alice grabbed her head and after my eyes were back on the road she started talking again.

"I shouldn't have been surprised at you not knowing, Bella has always tried to be a tough girl with you. Charlie has hated her since before she was even born, he wanted to sign his rights away but Renee's mother convinced him to have her live with her and keep his rights."

"I'm not following you," I admitted, raised her hand so I'd let her continue with what she had to say, it was just too much information all at once.

"Even though Charlie was never there for her he called her a few times per year, special dates, to remind her how she'd been the reason her other was dead. She hasn't said much about it, but I know it was enough for her to stay silent for two years.

"You're telling me she was mute for two years?" I asked, incredulity lacing my tone. I'd never imagine any of this. Why hadn't I asked Bella more about herself? her life? Why, if I knew there was something wrong with her, hadn't I bothered to ask her about her past?

"Yeah, when she was eight until she turned ten. All I know is that Charlie has called her a killer but I'm pretty sure there's more. It's fucked up and I'm the only person she's told any of this. Not even her grandmother knew. Not any of the counsellors she's seen and she's shown me these things," Alice sighed brokenly, "drawings and writings, I've never seen anything like it, so painful. She's thought of suicide, but said she would never do it."

I sighed and smiled relieved, after everything I'd seen, it was reassuring to hear that. But Alice was quick to burst my bubble.

"She thinks she deserves worse. Charlie has made her believe she's not worthy of love that all she deserves is paying for making her mother die. And there's where you come into this."

Alice had stopped crying by now, probably too focused on explaining everything to me but I wasn't having it. I far out of my comfort zone, the memories dancing in my head. How Elizabeth had shown me that drugs and alcohol were the solution to every problem, how she'd been loving and caring when high. I also could hear Elizabeth being reproachful about me calling Esme "mum". Elizabeth taught me that loving hurts, she loved me, I knew that, yet she hurt me the most.

"What do I have to do with it?" I finally managed to ask, trying to push away the memories.

Me calling Esme by her name, pushing my father away because I felt ashamed, I was his mistake after a drunk night. I tried to forget how all I saw was how my siblings were created out of love, how that made me get closer to Elizabeth. I tried to forget the drugs and the alcohol that shouldn't have been touched by an eleven year old, and how it had all blown Elizabeth's head. Literally.

It'd taken me two years to get over it only to have Bella come into my life and really question myself. To make me realise I wasn't okay, I wasn't over it. She let my demons loose and forced me to heal. Yet I didn't felt as if any of my suffering could compare to that of the love of my life. Maybe I wasn't so wrong when I thought she was an angel, a very broken one, but an angel nonetheless.

"She loves you," said Alice interrupting my internal monologue", but she's sure that you don't love her. That you're more than what she deserves, that you're her punishment. That's why she enjoys every blow, every insult after that that night, when you…"

Alice didn't finish but I didn't needed her to. I knew she was talking about the first time and I could taste the bile in my mouth.

"After that night, after how you took her, she's been fully convinced that she needs to suffer. That's why she never stopped you, that night," I could see how much effort it took for Alice to mention it," she knows everything about you, even asks about your therapy sessions and how they're going."

I looked at Alice, panicked. I'd never told Bella about it and thought I'd been good at hiding it.

"She knows everything about you, even remember the date of your mother's passing, " I felt my throat tighten, " she remembers it because she's afraid you'll do something stupid on that day, because you told her once that it'd cross your mind.

By then we'd started walking through the hospital aisles. I felt like my head was about to explode. I was so worried about Bella and at the same time I was trying to digest these things I'd just been told about her. I knew my sluggish brain was because of my using and I cursed my stupidity. I wasn't freaking out because of that joint, I should've been freaking out.

"I can't see your irises Edward, dad is going to be so pissed."

I realised Alice seemed calmer and I couldn't tell why she looked different. Suddenly I had trouble breathing.

"Calm down, it's just a gut feeling. A good one," whispered Alice.

"Edward! Alice!" Called dad coming our way. I raised my eyes to meet the tired ones of my father. " Edward, are you high?"

"Told you he'd notice."

"What am I going to do with you son?" My father asked sadly, he was disappointed and I hated it, I was already his biggest mistake as it was.

"Don't you dare say you're a mistake Edward Anthony Cullen," said dad in a tone I'd never heard him use which made me jump back surprised. Both at his tone and me blurting things out without noticing it.

"Dad, how's Bella?" Asked Alice and I silently thanked her for it.

"Stable but we have to wait and see how things go for the next forty eight hours. Her father's beating was brutal and her body was already weak. She'd need to stay after her wounds heal so she can start a proper treatment for her issues." Dad ran a hand through his hair and looked at me, " We've talked to Jessica Stanley and it's been decided her treating Bella would be beneficial for the both of you."

I nodded. Bella was stable. I needed to see her, to touch her skin, to feel her heart beating.

I just needed to be by her side, to see for myself that she was still here, alive. The reality of how easily it'd been to lose her hit me. I still could and I knew I'd probably lose myself. She was my main reason for trying to be a better person,for me trying to heal and to learn how to love and be loved.

Our father agreed on us seeing her since Bella didn't have any relatives and he guided us to a her where the antiseptic smell filled my nose. All I could heart though, was the sound of Bella's heart beating coming out in a constant beeping. It was the most gratifying sound I'd ever heard, to hear her heart beating, after all she'd gone through, filled me with hope. I felt hope for myself and for me, and for the both of us together. It was time for us to love, for me to show her my love.

As I stared at Bella's beaten face all I could think though, was how I'd been just as violent as Charlie. I'd hit her too.

Finally, the sobs starting erupting from my chest and my sister hugged me from behind.

"It would've been Renee's birthday today."

* * *

**5 years later**

"Edward" She screamed, digging her nails into my back and tightening about my dick as I came inside of her, getting my own release. I loved the feel of my skin on hers, I loved not having to use protection. Not that we needed it now.

"God, you're gorgeous," I said against her skin once my breathing went back to normal. I had fucked her in so long. It wasn't exactly possible for us now to have this kind of sex regularly.

"That was amazing," she replied hugging me and kissing my chest.

"I haven't hurt you, have I?" I asked with worry and she just laughed. It was ironic how the possibility of hurting her in any way terrified me now.

We'd changed a lot in the last 5 years.

Once Bella was released from hospital she started therapy with Jessica and I continued mine. Even in the first few months it was evident how much things were changing between us. Even though it was hard at first, having to go through so much heartache and struggle together was what made me want to continue getting better. I had almost lost Bella that night after Charlie beat her. I stopped smoking pot and taking and taking pills that hadn't been prescribed for me.

Once things started getting better I fell even more in love with Bella. I confirmed she was an angel, my angel.

Charlie lost his rights and my parents were assigned as Bella's guardians until her eighteenth birthday. We had to convince them that starting college was actually a good idea. We needed a neutral zone, without the memories to hit us every step we made. Since Jessica was moving to Seattle with her daughter our parents agreed to let us go there to college.

To say that things were easy would be lying but we did our best when it came to us as a couple. However, Bella's eating problem was hard on her she'd needed an iv a few times the first two months. I could she how much she's was trying to get better though. It wasn't just the medication helping her but her will to recover.

I found out that, though I hadn't known about Bella's past, I knew as much about ehr as she knew about me, I had just chosen to ignore it before. We also found we worked well together and were pretty organized when it came to our schedules and chores. Even though Bella was in charge of the cooking, it was me who was in charge of the food being eaten, mainly making sure she actually ate. Bella found in cooking a way to relax herself and change the way in which she handled food and Jessica gave her a cooking book as encouragement. I found my haven in the gym.

It'd been Jessica's suggestion to try and pour all of my frustration and anger into training regularly at the gym and it'd been perfect for me. When I was feeling at at the edge of blowing up, I'd head to the gym and I found out that going daily was what worked best for me. This along with Bella's amazing cooking made me go from being a lanky boy to a buffed 6'3" man which made me feel even more conscious when it came to making love to Bella, she was tiny and hurting her would be too easy, especially now.

We got married on Bella's twenty first birthday. I wanted to replace her bad memories and create good ones. Replacing that day with something she could smile at. And I succeed. We didn't only vow to be there for each other until death would tear us apart, but she also got pregnant with our daughter, who now, eight months later, slept inside of my wife's belly. And I could tell she was sleeping by the way Bella's stomach wasn't moving.

"Edward?" Bella's soft voice had me back on the present. She looked beautiful, healthy and with that glow in her eyes that pregnancy had given her. Even though we'd fucked today we hardly ever did it any more. We had sex, more than often but we made love. We'd fucked enough in the past.

I could still remember our first time, our real first time with both of us making love once she was healthy enough for me not to feel as if I was going to break her. It was slow and beautiful and though I'd been terrified of losing myself and being too rough it somehow felt natural. To feel peace, love and quiet after the storm we'd been through felt almost surreal. It was that day I decided making love to Bella was my new favourite activity. She needed to be loved and I needed to love her.

"Sorry love, got lost in my head", I replied, kissing her nose and making her laugh. She kissed my chin making her protruding stomach hit against my ribs.

"Oh, sorry," she said ashamed, looking to where her stomach had met my waist. She let go of me and lay on her side, no touching me.

Pregnancy had been complicated.

Bella had fixed all of her issues except for one, her self esteem. And when her bump became noticeable she started buying clothes that were big enough for me and avoided havign sex for weeks. It was only until Jessica, who was no longer Bella's therapist but friend, who managed to have her relax some.

However, the more her bump grew the more uncomfortable Bella felt being with me, either out in public or in the intimacy of our home. Specially during sex. So it were moments like this, when we were side to side, the ones where what little confidence she had flew out of the window. I always had to reassure her that I still wanted her, that I still thought she was beautiful and that I still loved, all of which was true but hard for her to believe.

"Come here, silly girl," I playfully scolded her grabbing her firmly but with little strength.

Even though Bella had only 5 weeks left of her pregnancy she'd only put seventeen of the 18 pounds she was supposed to gain. The doctors had assured us that everything was fine but I still hoped she would put some more weight in the last month, mainly because I'd read babies grow a lot in the last trimester.

Her gaining so little weight had me jittery. Last time we'd argued about it Bella had taken a taxi to Alice and Jasper's flat. When we saw the ob-gyn the next morning I was furious but ended up feeling like a douche-bag after finding out that my daughter was perfectly fine but my wife had been fighting a relapse for the past two months without me noticing it. It broke my heart to see how much she kept struggling and fighting and how I'd made her cry, I swore to myself I would never make her cry again.

I rubbed Bella's back as I felt her tears fall into my chest. She'd been crying a lot lately blaming her hormones for it. I pushed her aside which only made her cry harder and I couldn't help but laugh a little as she also tried to cover herself up. I had managed to sit against our headboard and in time I had her back in my arms, cuddling her as if she were a small child.

"Much better," I murmured against her head, "I'll never push you away from me little one, ever, in any way.

"I'm sorry, these hormones are killing me and I'm sorry I hit you," she apologised sadly hugging me tighter and nuzzling against my chest.

Once I realised what she meant but hitting me I couldn't help but scoff.

"Hitting is what I did to you for almost a year, Bella," I whispered brokenly. Even after all the good things we'd gone through it was still impossible not to feel like scum for everything I'd done to her. I was a man now, soon to be father, and after years of therapy I could see we'd been lucky. I could have killed her any of those times.

"Hey, it's over now. And I pushed you to do it. We're okay" she said touching my face, "What we've gone through, it's made us who we are today. And Edward, I wouldn't change you for anything in the world. You're the love of my life, the man of my life."

Bella's voice had a soothing tone and the way in which she was looking me at the eyes, with so much love, made me kiss her softly whilst I tried to find my voice.

"You are my life," I admitted rubbing her swollen belly without breaking eye contact only to close my eyes and kiss her again, to kiss that girl whom I'd hated so much and now was the reason for my existence.


End file.
